Desiderata

Written in the 1920's by Max Ehrmann - a poet and lawyer from Terre Haute, Indiana.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

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A co-worker shared this with me a couple weeks ago and I have read and re-read it multiple times. The words are so true and sound.

Sometimes I need that reminder to be cheerful. I am still really struggling in my life. Struggling with Craig's depression. Struggling with the lack of communication between my husband and my family. Struggling with changes (and, more often, the lack thereof) in life beyond my control.

The week following my birthday was a really difficult one. Feelings of hopelessness, loss and hurt. I feel like I have lost so much in the last 6+ months. The further we walk this path, the more impossible the repairs to damaged relationships seem to be. And the more difficult it seems to be finding a path that will lead to Craig's happiness. How will we get back to what we once knew? When will this finally come to an end? I imagine that "normal" is out of the question. But perhaps peace? And a new beginning maybe?

The worst news recently was that we have lost our spot with our regular babysitter. I knew it would happen - we haven't sent the kids regularly to her since early November. She was gracious enough to hold our spot for as long as she could and was considerate of all that we were going through. But I can't even begin to tell you how devastated and broken hearted I was the day we found out someone had taken our spot. I cried on and off ALL. DAY. My kids have gone to her since they were 12 weeks old. They love and trust her just as I do. Her home and family were their second home and family. I don't want to find someone else! How do I do that? How do I go to work and be good at my job when I am worried all the time how my kids are doing in the care of someone they don't know? Especially on days when Will's in school and Sophie (my less trusting child) is by herself. It's just not fair. On top of everything else, I now have to find new childcare. And I don't even know when we will need it because I don't know when my husband will be working.

I have sacrificed more than anyone else in this whole ordeal. I have lost my family in the way that we used to be and the ability to share the joy of my children with them. I have lost the husband I thought I knew and in his place is someone who doesn't know how to let go of anger and just be happy. I have lost the ability to get through more than two days without crying. I have lost the caregiver whom my children go to with open arms when Craig and I are at work. I have lost financial security. I have lost relationships that are close to me. And I have lost peace.

But I have not lost my faith.

I know that God is good and that he has a greater plan for me and my family that I may be unaware of.

Please God. I need my family back.

I need the man that you chose for me, whom I love above myself, to find peace in his heart and happiness in the life he was given. I need to be able to share my own little family with the family that raised me. They are as much a part of me as the air I breath and I know that they love and care about us deeply - they refuse to give up on us! With these things, I know I can adjust to any new normal you have planned for us. But I need my complete family.

I don't talk about this often on my blog because I know it is a downer. I know that things will eventually get better and most days I do okay with managing my pain and anguish on my own. Probably the biggest reason I don't talk about it is because my top priority right now is to protect my children. I don't want them to feel the stress that I feel. I don't want them to question the love that everyone has for them, especially Craig and I. And I don't want them to ever feel unsure of the security and stability of our family. Life goes on as normal as far as they're concerned. That's my job as their mother.

So I'm keeping my head up... for them and for Craig. I said a wedding vow to Craig "to hold you when you need to be held... and to always be your safe haven in this life." Just as much as the children do, Craig needs to know that I am by his side in good times and in bad. What I need from Craig though, is to be considerate of my needs and feelings and to strive a little harder for the good times.

We are seeing a counselor on occasion. Not really for a marriage we're afraid of losing, but for advice on how to find our way through this. For guidance on understanding the needs of each other. I have also started running again. Lord knows I hate treadmills. But I love what running does for my mind, body and spirit. I pray A LOT... with my mom and my grandma that God hears our pleas and gives us guidance. And I listen to Christian music on my drive to and from work... which usually makes me cry, but in a good way. ;) Adie Camp and Sanctus Real have been my uplift most days.

I'm here, God. I'm listening and I'm trying to be strong. Tell me what to do.

If you're still reading this lengthy rambling... thank you. Sometimes it just helps to write and express myself. We'll get through this. I have faith.

Do you remember that church that I've mentioned I pass on my way to work in the morning? The one that always has a thoughtful message on their display sign out front? I shared one of those messages here last spring. Well this week, the sign says: Be what you want the world to be. :)

I want the world to be good and happy. And I want to model that for my kids and husband.