A rather large part of my mothering responsibility thus far has come to a bittersweet end. For the last 4+ years of my life, my body has been largely devoted to growing and sustaining babies! I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding with one of our children since the fall of 2006. And now... we're done. :( I am not at all one of those mothers that has been counting the days until she "has her body all to herself again". I honestly have never minded sharing (
haha!) and I will miss it all very much. This was only a chapter in my life as a mother, but it is one that I am so grateful I was able to experience. Being a woman is awesome and I thank God for bringing me two healthy children and the opportunity to grow and support a life beyond my own.
Craig and I made the decision that our comfortable family of four was the perfect size for us and that we would be done having children after Sophia. We made this decision while Sophie was still pretty newborn though, and a part of me wondered if it was easier to make while I was still so fully in the midst of new-babyhood. But our feelings haven't changed. This size family is right for us and I am so happy where we are. However, knowing this decision was final while Sophie was still so tiny, really made me want to linger a little longer at every step of her infant life. It's so fleeting, isn't it?
A week ago, Sophie and I had our final nursing session. I never really expected to nurse as long as we did, but it's funny how something that you do so routinely just doesn't feel strange when it's been a part of your typical day for so long. As I've mentioned previously, my goal with both kids was always: "at least the first year, and then we'll just see". With Sophie, I simply continued with what felt natural. Nursing was never an inconvenience in my day. Our sessions were so brief and only ever when she woke in the morning and before bedtime at night. We were always in the same spot - the glider chair in her room - and Sophie was not at all clingy about it. She never asked for it, never pulled on my shirt, never looked for it when she was hurt or tired, and never once made me feel
not in control of my own body or uncomfortable about it. It was simply a time of quiet connection for us - maybe 5-10 minutes, sometimes less - and an extra boost of healthy nutrition to support her growing immune system. Speaking of immune system (I should knock wood first), Sophie has never been "sick" in all of her 20 months of life so far. Nothing more than a runny nose that often went along with new teeth. If that's not a great reason for breastfeeding - and extended breastfeeding! - I don't know what is!
So now that this chapter of my life - pregnancy and breastfeeding - has ended, I would like to pay tribute to my breastfeeding journey. It has been so fulfilling and challenging and rewarding and empowering. Something I wish for every mother to experience at least a little. Looking into your babies eyes and holding their tiny hand in yours while nursing is one of the most indescribably perfect feelings in the world. Thank you, God, for letting me experience this.
I should mention here that some of the pictures in this post are a little graphic with breastfeeding. Tasteful, but perhaps off-putting to some... ???
William's breastfeeding story started off a little rockier than Sophia's. Latching was not a natural skill for him and we struggled for days trying to figure this out together. Immediately after birth, Will was taken to the
NICU for five hours where they wanted to monitor his "nostril-flaring" due to possible fluid in his lungs from a speedy delivery. All was, of course, fine... but that delayed start in bonding was pretty detrimental I think. That first hour after birth is when babies are most awake and alert and interested in nursing. I was left with a very sleepy baby, whom I had to try desperately to keep awake. And then once I was successful, I had to try desperately to get him onto my breast correctly. It wasn't painful, but I just knew he wasn't getting the hang of it even when we left the hospital and I was terrified of trying to do it alone. I remember feeling surprised that some mothers are afraid to leave the hospital because they don't know what to do with their baby when a nurse isn't on call. I was pretty confident in my ability to
handle a baby, but here I was struggling to provide this most basic need:
feeding him! To top it off, William was circumcised the same day we were discharged, so he was even
more sleepy because of that.
My first night home with him was so scary and defeating. We struggled to latch with every feeding. I was so, so determined to breastfeed and so, so afraid of "failing" at this. In the hospital before discharge, I had used a hospital grade pump to collect
mere drops of
breastmilk into a bottle (half of an ounce, maybe?) and was using that bottle to try to help him latch. I'd give him the bottle to get him sucking and then try to make a quick transition to the breast. That worked a couple of times, but I still wasn't feeling like he was making any progress. At one point, when that bottle was gone and I couldn't get him on, I cried my way down the stairs and cried through the entire process of making a bottle of powdered formula. I didn't want this for my baby, but I
had to feed him. In the end, I only used it to help initiate a latch for a couple of feedings and that was it. By 6 a.m. the next morning, I was feeling completely drained of confidence and worried for my baby. I called my aunt for moral support and later my mom and sister came over to help me that day. My mom encouraged me to take a shower and try to relax. After my shower, the four of us were all sitting upstairs in my bed (mom, Casey, Will & I... Craig had to go to work) and for some reason I remember the ceiling fan was blowing and it felt so comfortable and nice just then. Mom handed Will to me to try again with breastfeeding and suddenly... I kid you not, the heavens opened and angels started to sing... and my baby latched on correctly and comfortably. He DID IT! And I was beyond elated! I cried and thanked my wonderful mom and sister for being there with me and, after that, William and I had things pretty figured out.
At his one week appointment, I was so relieved that William had reached birth weight again! He was 8#3oz at birth... somewhere in the 7's at discharge... and I was just hoping for 8# even at the one week appointment since we had such a rough start. (Breastfed babies are expected to regain their birth weight by two weeks.) But, much to my surprise, he had completely regained birth weight at one week. 8#3oz exactly. It's amazing how proud every little ounce can make you feel!
One of the wonderful things about the
first born is the ability to "nap with the baby". William and I napped quite a lot together. He was a first-class
snuggler and I loved having him near me. (P.S. - you can still see my "mask of pregnancy" - a.k.a.
melasma - a.k.a raccoon face around my eyes in this picture.)
In the first couple months, I did have a couple bouts with plugged milk ducts and one period (which I am pretty sure was just a growth spurt) where I felt my milk supply just completely plummeted to almost nothing. Again I was scared, and every time I got so anxious about feeding my baby, I would simultaneously lose my appetite all together. I lost weight FAST after Will's birth, partly due breastfeeding itself, partly due to the stress of breastfeeding problems! But again, we managed to work through those things and I was just grateful that they happened while I was on maternity leave and had the ability to exclusively nurse as often as he wanted. My one recommendation during an early growth spurt: DO NOT PUMP! Just nurse the baby! Or, as my aunt said: "just nurse and nurse and nurse... stop worrying about anything but cuddling with your baby".
This is the only day I have a picture of me nursing William. It happened to be the day that we walked down to meet the sitter that would watch Will after my return to work. Oh, another thing I'm thinking of when looking at this picture was my total and complete love of the
Boppy pillow. I used that thing ALL. THE. TIME. (Except when we were laying down in bed.) I even took the
Boppy with us to San Diego for a vacation when Will was 10 weeks old.
Probably around the time he turned 6 weeks, we took a vacation to Grand Haven, Michigan with my sister and brother in law. And that was when I discovered the ease and comfort of co-sleeping for the time being. That probably only lasted a couple weeks after I realized that my sleep was terribly interrupted with every little wiggle and twitch my baby made. After becoming a mom, my sleep has been forever altered. I am such a light sleeper now!
Shortly before my return to work, Will moved downstairs into his crib in his own room. He did very well with it and has been such an independent sleeper ever since. I was getting up 1-3 times per night for awhile after getting back into working full time. And then by 5 1/2 months, Will slept through the night and never once regressed.
This is probably my favorite breastfeeding picture of all. Craig took it. So sweet and pure and natural. I never want to forget how my babies looked at this time.
At work, I pumped three times per day and Will took expressed milk with the sitter. I was working four 10-hour days, Tuesday through Friday. On weekends, Will and I often cuddled up to nurse and take a nap together to make up for lost time while we were away. I so appreciated that about him. He was always long and leisurely with nursing sessions - at least 30 minutes or more each time - and that gave me plenty of time to relax myself.
I got the hang of nursing in public too. In a
breastfeeding post I wrote around the time that Will and I weaned, I listed a bunch of public places that I'd nursed him, including once at a Nagoya restaurant,
while our meal was being prepared in front of us! :)
In general, though, our breastfeeding days just passed with ease and we were both happy and grateful for that. Like the shirt?
Around Will's first birthday, we gradually dropped feedings one at a time until we were down to just the morning. The evening feeding was the first to go. With my first baby I was afraid of having a child that refused to wean and my thought was that evening would be the hardest, and morning the least inconvenient. But we had no problems continuing the morning nursing for a couple more months.
This picture was taken the last day that William nursed on the morning of August 15, 2008 at the age of 14 months. We were mutually ready to wean and the process was easy. At this time, I still hadn't had a menstrual period since delivering Will...
And
three days later, I got a positive pregnancy test for Sophia. Talk about back-to-back! I was essentially then nursing for a short time at the beginning of my pregnancy (before I knew) and perhaps that change in my body or my milk was noticeable to Will?
So a little over eight months after weaning Will, our second child was born with one heck of an appetite and a healthy set of lungs to let us know it! :)
Sophie's birth was far more challenging than Will's but she rewarded me with an immediately-perfect latch right after birth. She had a textbook latch and never once a problem with the how-to of breastfeeding. She nursed frequently and eliminated any concern for newborn jaundice right away.
Sophie was 8#14.5oz at birth... I don't remember her discharge weight because
nobody was worried about it... and 9# even at one week. She continued to eat and gain quickly,
porking out at 13# at just two months old! But after that, she dropped off of that 90-95
th percentile and gained much more gradually along the average.
After the first sleepless night at home, I discovered that little miss Sophia slept like an angel right beside her mama in bed. She gave me 4 and 5 hour stretches right off the bat as long as she was snuggled near me. And I loved having her close. On the contrary, she did NOT sleep well on her own in the pack 'n play in our room. So we co-slept for about the first three weeks, when I decided it was time to move her into her own crib. This was a much earlier transition that Will's, but co-sleeping is not something I was interested in pursuing long term. I only stuck with it in the beginning because it bought me that extra sleep. But at three weeks, I decided to make the transition out of our bed and, because she was so noisy by herself in the pack 'n play, I found it easier to move her directly to her own room. I hated that we were so far apart and I hated going up and down the stairs in the middle of the night, but I was trying to look at the big picture of sleeping goals and in the end it worked. Sophie slept through the night pretty early and did so consistently after about three months old.
Sophie's only problem with nursing was also mostly an advantage: she was really FAST! That was definitely a relief with a toddler running around the house and needing my attention too. I prepared (before Sophie's birth) some activity boxes for Will that he could sit and do while I nursed the baby. He was not at all into TV at the time and I worried that I wouldn't be able to handle both of them when she needed to eat. But we managed just fine. Often, I put Will in his high chair with coloring books or puzzles or barrel of monkeys and he played just long enough for his sister to finish nursing, which was usually about 8-12 minutes. Will was very curious about nursing at first, and I prepared for that too with a cute book about how all mammals nurse their babies. He still loves that book to this day. But back to Sophie's quickness as a "problem"... she would often gulp and swallow so quickly in the beginning that she was sputtering and coughing and swallowing air. That was so frustrating. We were constantly stopping to get a burp out until she finally learned to slow down just a little, or maybe just learned to manage my excessive milk production... brought on by herself. Her big, early appetite definitely provided me with more than enough milk and sometimes I think she was unsuccessfully trying to swim against the tide of a raging river. ;)
LOL Because of this, I was easily able to build up a freezer supply of extra
breastmilk for my return to work.
When Sophie was six weeks old, my twin nieces were born and my sister did an astounding job of jumping right into motherhood and breastfeeding. I loved that Casey and I shared this experience together and could always relate to what the other one was doing. I went to visit them in the hospital and left our kids with my aunt for a few hours. It was the first time Sophie took a bottle of expressed milk and she did just fine with it. While I was away, I had to pump at the hospital. Meanwhile, Casey was struggling a bit to keep her babies awake long enough to latch and nurse. The hospital lactation consultants were actually pushing her to supplement with some formula, which Casey adamantly did not want to do. (I'm still surprised that they encouraged that!) So thankfully, because I was there with my pump and needing to express anyway, I left her all 6 or 7 ounces of the milk I'd just pumped to help latch the girls with a bottle and satisfy any staff that questioned Casey's ability. I'm sure it came as a surprise, as that is not something they likely see very often, but I was so happy I was able to help my sister at that time.
Any worries the medical staff had for Casey were completely unnecessary because, as I've mentioned before, she made mothering twins look like a piece of cake and they fell very easily into a manageable breastfeeding routine with Wes's support. I'm including this picture because it was their first day home from the hospital (the day before Will's birthday party, I think?) and you can just barely see Casey in the background with her giant, twin-nursing-pillow that she used for all of a couple days. She hated that thing and found it much easier to nurse one baby at a time using the smaller Boppy. Wes was amazing too. He'd already gotten used to my nursing routines when William was a baby, and now with Casey and I both nursing babies at the same time, there was almost always inevitably a baby at the breast when we were together. Wes had gotten to the point of being completely comfortable around it and such a doting support to both of us. He always asked if we needed anything and kept and eye on Will for me while I was sitting down. I just felt as though he was always looking out to be helpful when we needed him.
Now at 18 months old, Mya and Stella are in the process of weaning too. Casey has actually been trying to wean for weeks now and her body is struggling to let go of that astounding milk supply it had built up for her. You would never believe how much milk that girl could pump at a sitting. She began pumping and storing up a ton of milk before her return to work so that her girls would never have to rely on formula at all. She'd often call or text me her ounce total after her evening pump and it was just ridiculous: 16, 17, 18, 20 oz. I think her record that I heard about was 21 oz!! She is, quite literally, a cow! Casey once asked me if I knew if Medela made bigger bottles for pumping receptacles and I told her that I didn't know but that I was quite certain NO ONE had the problem she was having. :) But my amazing and determined sister met her goal and Mya and Stella thrived completely on breastmilk until their first birthday when they weaned down to two nursings like Sophie and I did.
So back to my story...
Upon my return to work, I was much more nervous about pumping this time around. My co-worker had just had a baby four months before me and our small staff was trying to accomodate TWO full-time nursing/pumping mothers in one office. Our time allowed for pumping was about half of what I had for Will. And we shared a hospital grade pump motor (with all our own hook-up parts, of course) that we'd pass back and forth between each of three pump sessions in our work day. This time I was working five 8-hour days and did not have that extra day at home to just nurse my baby when growth spurts hit. So I worried a little.
But that, too, was unnecessary as I think my body was just used to a faster output during pumping due to my faster nursing baby. I maintained an extra pump session in the mornings before work just in case but eventually dropped that too. Sophie did an excellent job of maintaining my milk supply without ever a concern and I loved coming home to cuddle her up and reunite after a long day away.
With that excess of breastmilk in the freezer and even an excess of freshly expressed milk each day,
you may recall that I decided to offer some to Will regularly from a cup in an effort to provide him with the extra immune protection following his febrile seizure in October 2009. So between November '09 and April '10 Will was taking between 4 and 15 oz of breastmilk per day without noticing one bit. It was a great way to avoid wasting this precious liquid that I'd worked so hard to produce and it helped keep both my babies healthy throughout the winter last year.
At Sophie's first birthday, we weaned down to one morning and one evening nursing session per day and she easily transitioned to taking whole, cow's milk from a cup.
At 19 months, we dropped the evening nursing. And then, shortly before turning 20 months old, Sophie and I have weaned completely. Just like Will, it was an easy transition. She only appeared to "ask" for it once after we'd stopped and we instead sat in the chair to read a story. Just like with Will. Only this time it was my last time forever.
I am so, so thankful for my healthy children. So grateful for that special bond we established right from birth. And so fulfilled for having the opportunity to provide for my children the healthiest start possible. Our family is complete and the experience of getting them to this point has been awesome. Now, moving forward out of the baby/toddler years, I look forward to our next chapter of life.
I still have the opportunity almost every day at my job to help breastfeeding mothers reach that same goal and sense of fulfillment. In fact, I have recently elected to sign up for a training course next summer that, if passed, will give me the title of Certified Lactation Counselor (CLC)! This doesn't at all change my career goals. I'm still a dietitian and still focused on family nutrition and public health as a whole. But having this extra training will help me take breastfeeding support one step further so that I can be a better help to my patients. After all, breastfeeding is the unmatched and absolute BEST start to good nutrition and health for ALL babies.
Cheers to a wonderful journey!
I just got my test results back this week from my CLC training program... and I passed!
So I am officially a Certified Lactation Counselor now!
