Have A Little Faith

Warning: this post is a little heavier than my norm.

It's been an up-and-down kind of week and I've really needed some uplifting. So while this post may be a bit of a downer, my reason for writing is to tell you about the power of prayer.

As I've briefly eluded in previous posts, I have been thrown into the middle of a family feud at none of my own doing and I hate what that looks like. It's funny because it's not really an outward drama that everyone knows about or even one that "sounds" all that bad. But it is. At least for me. I feel like my family has fallen apart and a part of who I was is missing. It hurts. And for lack of a better word, it just sucks. I am really trying hard to get on with life like normal and usually I'm successful just because I'm always so busy. But then something will strike a chord in my husband and suddenly it feels like we're falling apart at the seams. Not our marriage, really, just what "normal" life used to look like. He is outraged at what he feels is unjustified and is trying hard to figure out how to move on with his life. He wants to be happy but his bitterness has overtaken him and (in spurts) it shows. I am so sad for him. And for myself, I guess, but I just haven't left room for feelings about myself until recently. Even after a new path begins for Craig, there is still a void where relationships used to be.

I am so torn between my feelings of wanting to reconcile and not let things go on as they are, but at the same time I am angry and sad for my husband. He is scarred from this and it is affecting our family life in many ways. My good, kind, happy, loving husband is now filled with bitterness. That is the worst part of it all. Meanwhile, I just don't know how to cope. I stand by his side no matter what. Beside that being my Godly duty as a wife, it is what I believe is right. But what if there is nothing I can do to help him and things just continue on as they are? Sometimes that feels miserable...

So those things were weighing especially heavy on my mind both Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. We'd had an argument about finances Tuesday night because we'd had a small weekend getaway planned for our anniversary this month and Craig was panicking about affording it. We've been getting by comfortably so far, but frivolous spending is never a good idea when a previously dependable income is missing. Well we cancelled the weekend and are looking at other ways of cutting back. So from there, it branched off into lots of other little things that seem magnified when stress levels are high. Did I mention he was bitter?

Ugh. I have cried so much over all this. I try to keep it together, but all someone has to do is ask me how I'm doing and I just break down. I cried in front of my babysitter Wednesday morning. I cried in front of my co-workers a couple weeks ago. I cried on the phone to my grandma. I have had chest pains and stomach aches and difficulty sleeping.

But I have also prayed. A lot. I've prayed especially hard for guidance on what to do, what to think and how to feel. Isn't that crazy that I don't know how to think and feel about something? I've prayed for Craig to help him feel peace and forgiveness, or at least peace and strength. And my family has prayed too. (I know I'm not the only one feeling pain in my family.)

Well, He listened. God hasn't magically fixed anything yet, but He's guided me to "hold on tight" and hopefully open some lines of communication. On Wednesday, I was feeling very down on my way into work and wondering what kind of message I might receive in answer to my prayers. I really didn't have high expectations and wasn't even feeling very hopeful. But God responded to me in three ways that day: with perspective, advice and a little humor. :)

The messages came in the form of three different patients I saw that day and each time I just knew what I was supposed to learn from them.

The first was pretty early in the morning. She seemed distressed and anxious and confessed to me a pretty sad and difficult situation that she was going through right now. It was very hard for her and she was struggling with how to cope. We talked for awhile, and as soon as she walked out of my office, I just looked up and said "Wow. Okay... perspective. Thank you for showing me that what I am dealing with is minor compared to others." At least I know that my children are safe and my family are all alive and well.

The second was very intense. She walked in with her young daughter and we began the appointment as usual. But then she moved her glasses to wipe a tear and said "You'll have to forgive me. I'm having kind of a rough day." Well, I was pretty much on the verge of tears all day so my heart went out to her and told her that I feel her pain and my day was much the same. She was a single mother with two other grown children whom she'd struggled to raise and provide for on her own. They were treating her disrespectfully and she was feeling very hurt and unappreciated. She also had other people (extended family and friends) that were leaning on her to take care of them and she was just finding it hard to be enough for everyone. I don't know why, but I found myself confiding in her. I told her my husband had lost his job and I felt like my family was falling apart. And together we both got teary and emotional. Not like all out weeping, but feeling each other's pain. Then suddenly, she turned into the strong and confident person that I could see she must have been for her family and friends and that's why they lean on her. She looked me straight in the eye and her focus never wavered as she just told me to pray with my husband. She didn't know me or the details of my life, but she certainly seemed to as she told me to "Just downsize... scale back... [talking about having things in life and the cost of living]. Nothing else matters like family. You are a married woman. You have children. You love your husband and he loves you and you need to hold tight to that and just pray together. That's all we can do is just put it in God's hands and pray." I just felt so strongly that this was my message. That I needed to have faith and just pray. I have always felt that things happen for a reason. I believe that we will come through this stronger, but I just don't know how to get there. I'm no longer interested in who was right or wrong. That solves nothing. I want to find peace and reconciliation in our family. I want us to be happy... even in a simpler life.

So that was my advice message. I feel like I should call that lady and just thank her for being exactly what I needed that day.

And the third part came from a 7 or 8 year old boy who'd come into the appointment with his mom and was telling me all about his "talents". He could do standing back flips and, according to his mom, do them off walls and trees, etc! I was impressed and told him so. He said "Ya. I have lots of talents. I can also make some pretty cool beats. When I grow up, I'm going to be a beat boxer. Do you want to hear it?" Of course I said yes and he proceeded to beat box in my office for a minute or two! :) And he was GOOD! I just smiled and laughed and told him I thought he was awesome. I really needed that light-hearted, happy kid to make me smile.

I have a book called The Power of the Praying Wife. I've read it through at least twice, but it's been awhile. It's all about praying for your husband and every aspect of his life. I'm going to get that out and read it again. And I'm going to keep praying for something or someone to bring peace back into our family. Maybe it's got to be me. Maybe I need to work harder at opening the lines of communication. But I just don't know the right way to do that. No matter what, I'm going to "hold tight" to my family and the man that I married and leave it in God's hands.

If you pray, please pray for our family.