Check out the prequel to this post: http://arae-ashley.blogspot.com/2008/12/how-i-really-feel-about-having-daughter.html. This new post should more appropriately have been written on December 5th, exactly one year after finding out we were expecting a baby girl. On that day, despite my feeling that another boy would just be easier and "comfortable", I let myself realize that deep down feeling of excitement. After our 20 week ultrasound, I remember going to the restroom at the doctors office (they make you drink lots of water and hold a full bladder for the ultrasound!) and looking in the mirror and just smiling to myself. I WAS HAVING A DAUGHTER!! Throughout the pregnancy, I didn't feel the same connection that I did with Will - (when he was born, I felt I had already known him) - probably because I had a toddler at home and didn't have the time to just stare at my belly and wonder about this new little person. But in that moment after the ultrasound, I suddenly knew that I wanted this baby girl so badly. True, without her, I wouldn't have known what I was missing! I would have just gone on blissfully with my house full of boys. I have always felt that I understood boys better and that I was destined to be a mom to BOYS. (I even secretly prayed for a boy when I was pregnant with Will.) At first I was most definitely intimidated by the idea of mothering a girl. But she has truly completed our family and I am indescribably grateful for this blessing.
Excited! I can't think of a better word to describe each day with her. You know that feeling when your heart just seems to have skipped and you get this rush of happiness? Like the day I claimed the high school mile record, or passed my boards for dietetics, or got engaged, or saw that second pink line on the pregnancy test. Even now as I'm typing this, my heart just feels like it's swelling with happiness over the thought of my baby girl.
In the beginning, as I was struggling to get acclimated to life with two kids and Sophie seemed to be a rather colicky baby, I felt frustrated with myself and worried that I wasn't doing a good job. But when I looked at her, I saw a small piece of myself and I knew that she needed me to help her through this time. She needed to learn how to trust that she would be taken care of and that her new world was a safe and happy place. I also felt very protective of her towards other people that assumed she was just unpleasant and fussy all the time. Sophie often seemed tense and rigid (with clenched fists) during that time and I wondered if it was something I had done to make this poor baby so scared. Will was never this way so it was all new to me. I just pressed on, doing my best to meet her needs promptly, hold her close to me often (she basically lived in the Moby Wrap for awhile), and show her lots of love and affection. I remember thinking to myself that I had to "figure her out".
Right around two months of age, Sophie turned a big corner with her feeling of security (and probably just maturity) and suddenly started responding to my attention in a way that let me know she trusted me. Finally! Four to five weeks of colic seemed like an eternity at the time and suddenly I felt like I was really starting to "get" her. Baby steps had added up to a lot more trust and peace between us and I finally believed that she loved me back. She started sleeping better, smiling often and just appearing happier and calmer overall. We had come through that rough patch together and our bond was stronger because of it.
Pretty soon she was smiling CONSTANTLY and her smiles were contagious! It looked like she was silently laughing at something very funny. Like she wanted to smile bigger than physically possible and did so using her whole body. They were electric and they warmed my heart. My baby was happy! And that made me SO happy too.
Not that I ever didn't love her before, but seeing her blossom so beautifully into this happy, smiley, little girl made my love for her grow 10-fold. She was so strong and determined with all of her developments and actions and she excelled very quickly. She started playing happily on her own for longer periods and became much more accepting of the attention of others. I just felt so proud of each of her successes and I can't explain it, but I fell madly in love with my daughter.
So that pretty much brings us to now: Sophie continuing to grow and develop as a happy, little girl and me loving each day that I'm lucky enough to spend with her. I thought of writing this post as I was planning to write a letter to Sophie in her baby book. I wrote a letter to Will when he was a baby and wanted to do the same for Sophie.
Prior to getting to know my daughter, I had an image of what it would be like to mother a girl: worried all the time about "messing her up", scoffing at most of the "girly" stuff that girls are into, unsuccessfully trying to instill self-confidence and a value of self-worth, etc. etc. I have no idea why I had these concerns, but it was just in my head that girls were difficult and boys were easier. At the same time, I have a wonderful relationship with MY mother and a whole lifetime of memories that I would one day like to experience with my own daughter. That, I'm sure, was the part of me that smiled in the mirror back in December of 2008. Knowing that one day I might get to break out my American Girl doll again, or put pig-tails in my little girl's hair, or take her to get a dress for her first dance, or listen as she excitedly dishes about her first crush, or pass down the hankerchief that my grandmother monogrammed for me on my wedding day, or help her clean and move into her first house. My mom is amazing and I want to have the honor of being that same supportive person in my own daughter's life.
I no longer care if she wants to play teacher or have tea parties instead of throw around a ball. I will support whatever interests and hobbies she is passionate about no matter how girly or tomboy-ish they are. I no longer worry about my ability to give her a strong foundation and more love than she knows what to do with so that she may know the value of herself. And no matter where she goes in life, I will always be there for her.
Of course, life isn't perfect and I certainly don't expect a perfect relationship without disagreements and disappointments. And I'm also still not in a rush to get to the teenage years- with either of my children! But I am certain that my life (and my heart!) will be fuller with Sophia in it. And I'm so glad that God chose me to be her mommy.
3 comments:
Beautiful! I have tears in my eyes. Ashley, you are a wonderful and beautiful mother!
Oh my gosh, Ashley, you are amazing! I second Lisa....I am totally tearing up over here! Sophie (& Will) are so lucky to have you as their Mommy. I feel so lucky to have your two perfect children in my life. You are and always have been my role model. Now that I'm a Mommy too, you continue to amaze me with how you do it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me the way! I love you, Sissy!
Ashley, not that its hard to do but you have me getting all teary-eyed over here as well. You write so beautifully. I hope to be half the mom you are!
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